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I have been growing an idea for a blog post for a while now. It's about identity, how it changes, and how you describe yourself to both yourself and the world. But mostly to yourself.
You know when you're joining a new social media community and you need to fill in a bio with a few words that describe you; It's one of those things you can think really hard about for a very long time. To get it right in the number of letters and dots allowed. To get your entire being down to a bunch of characters in a box.
Lately I've been thinking that it was so much easier to do that when I was 18.
Newly turned 19 years old in Midhurst, England with a vintage coat that I loved dearly (Still do but it is a bit dirty and rough looking now). Matching bravely with red and black striped socks.
I think this (the 30's) is a time in life when many people struggle with the person they thought they always would be and the realisation that you change through time and become something else, or just more of who you were.
I don't think it's fair to call it a midlife crisis so let's call it a midlife realisation instead.
I sometimes think back at my younger self and don't recognize myself then in my grown up self today. It's like I was a different person. I understand that some part of this is just bad memory, but I also believe that the years between then and now have changed me.
When you're a teenager you try so hard to find your identity so that you can scream it from the rooftops.
I went all in with second hand clothing, music and theatre. Things that have stayed with me through the years and will probably be a part of me all my life, but back then I did it whole heartedly- like a teenager- to make sure everybody could see what I was just by looking at me. I wanted everybody to see that I don't care if you think my corduroy pants are too much or my hippie blouses are out of fashion by decades, I am strong in myself and you can't knock me down. The former bullied girl took the fight before it happened so that there wouldn't even be possible to fight. I love that I did that.
I'm still that second hand loving person but I don't have to scream as much anymore and I know what clothes I feel the best in. There's maybe not as much experimentation anymore because I've experimented and found the right formula for me. The clothes that I wear today are actually not very different from what I used to wear in my teenage years, but the reason behind them has changed. They are no longer a statement, they are simply a part of how I express myself everyday. A very joyous part, I might add.

In some ways I think I went so hard for the things I loved to have a clear identity to show. I liked music, then I'm a music fanatic who reads all the magazines, find new music and just go with it full out.
Today when I think about who I am, music is still one of the things I love very much, but I don't think it would be fair to say that I'm such a fanatic anymore. I love music, it's a big part of who I am, but it's not as huge as it was before. I have found the things I like and have no need to search so hard everyday to find new and interesting bands and artists.
And I think I owe it to Lotta 18 years old to admit that I'm not as hardcore and knowledgeable as I was back then. She was better in that departement than the woman I am now.
But to give it to Lotta 33 years old, she's way more awesome at viewing things with an artful eye and creating things with her hands than she was back then.
18 years old, a few days before I was to go to England for a year. That skirt was my absolute favourite thing at that time. It's completely circular if you spread it out on the ground and I loved it so much.
Things change. You change. And it's hard to catch on sometimes.
If I let go of that personality that I knocked into the world with such fierce passion, then who am I now? It's a feeling of loss, a change of personality that you weren't prepared for.
And even if it is small things, like interests and hobbies, if you hang on to them even though they are not a part of you anymore that can make you feel like you're losing a part of yourself, right?
I think it's important to realise that just because you leave something behind you you're not less of you. Because you've surely picked up on new things along the way to add to your personality.
Maybe it's time to update the biography of yourself by seeing, really seeing, who you are today.
Lotta 18 years old was a strong but scared 70's loving second hand shopping girl who listened to music all day long and remembered all the lyrics to every song, wrote them down and taped them to the walls of her school locker to find reassurance in the words, and more than anything she wanted to be a stage actor at a a beautiful old theatre.
Lotta 33 years old is a strong, and sometimes scared, feminist woman who has found her way in her fashion sense by not caring about trends and the expectations of how a woman should dress or look like- it's all about what she loves, not what anybody else might think- she loves to create artful things in every way she possibly can, and she still wants to act, on stage and in film- more than anything.
19 years old in Midhurst, England. I can't get over how incredibly stylish I am in this photo. I mean, look at that 60s-70s babe!
I might need to listen to 19 year old Lotta's fashion sense a little bit this spring.
Sometimes I hear people talk about how teenagers will grow up and calm down and realise that the world isn't so black and white, and they will need to understand that their idealism isn't something that would work in "the real world".
I think those people have forgotten that you change through time but that doesn't take away the validness from that teenager's thoughts and dreams.
It's like you are many persons in one life and everyone of them has something real and true to say. Just because some people grow up and lose their ideals doesn't mean everybody does. They might find new ways for their thoughts, they might work in different angles but the things they believed in before, right now, and will believe in in the future, might be equally valid. Just different. Or the same thing but with a new layer attached.
I don't think Lotta 18 years old was a wrong, or not complete, version of Lotta in the things she did. Dressing to take power back after years of bullying was an awesome way for her and many of the things I chose to fill my life with back then are still parts of my world, and identity, today.
32 years old. Still get immensely happy when I find the perfect vintage dress for me.
Clothes and music might be small things in your life, and I'm just using those examples to show a piece of me and the journey that those things has taken me through.
Try to remember what you wanted to be and what you loved doing when you were younger and how you tried to make people see that.
Then think about what of those things that has changed through time to who you are today. And what is new?
Have you catched up on yourself? Have you let go of things you decided then that you love but you maybe don't anymore? Or are you trying to push yourself into a mold that you don't fit into anymore but desperately hang on to anyway?

Because who are you otherwise?


Time for a Two Two Two again (with the now traditional bonus Two's for extra fun).

Two from an evening walk when everything seemed spooky:
One that looks like a poster for an awesome animated movie, and one that looks like a poster for a horror movie set in the medieval times.
Two baked goods that I ate:
One Semla at a café, and a plate of cardemom buns that I made for David's birthday back in january.
Two photos of me in my new feminist tshirts:
One standing in the Lights Out Hallway with a tshirt that says "Feminist", and one sitting strangely on a kitchen chair with a tshirt that says "Smash the patriarchy".
Two evening walks:
One from the cemetery close to where we live when it was all snowy and cold, and one from Rörum, yesterday, when we went to say hello to the tree where we got married (in 2013).
Two from Palmhuset (The Palm-tree House) in Gothenburg when I was there with my dad a couple of weeks ago:
One of my dad and all the camelias, and one of me in the tropical room.
Two self portraits at that great spot by the window:
One in colour with me standing on tiptoes to get my tights into the photo, and one in black and white with me looking pensive.
Two amazing soups that I've made lately:
One fish stew (recipe in swedish here ), and one Creamy Spiced Cauliflower soup (recipe in english here ).
Two self portraits wearing the same clothes (that happen to be my favourite outfit at the moment). Brown sweater from H&M at least five years ago, velvet skirt from BlackMilk, olive green tights and rust orange thigh high socks scrunched down to just above the knee from Sockdreams and boots from G Star Raw:
One depicting the emotions of being sick in what appears to have been the flu or an especially evil cold for two weeks, and one of me yesterday when I got high on sunshine and vitamine D and could feel the health coming back to me.
And that was all for this time.

Hope you're having a nice weekend, dear friends and readers.

I thought since it was forever since I blogged about my day to day life it would be appropriate with a little catching up, right?

So let's start in november when David and I went to Los Angeles.
In a plane somewhere over Utah. Earth is quite extraordinary, don't you think?
Tall and shiny buildings. Things we don't have that much of in Sweden.
Sunshine in november. Things we don't have at all in Sweden.
Good for me then that I bought a pair of white rubber boots (I call them my "Storm Trooper Boots" for obvious reasons) that I got good use of straight away when we came back home to Gothenburg.
We went to our hometown Jönköping over the weekend to visit our families.
The weather was rainy and dreadful. Reststop posing is not David's main sport.
We went for a walk one evening.
And I danced a little at a rainy skate park.
One of the reasons we went to Jönköping was because I had a birthday present to receive. I had wished for a fleamarket shopping day with my mother and I found so many great things! This wonderful green tweed coat, for example.
Here I am, all happy, outside the office supply store because I had lots of stuff to buy before my week at the christmas fair!
At the christmas fair in the shopping mall Nordstan! I was there every day the week before christmas with my jewelry.
Arranging things before the customers arrive.
On december 22 David and I celebrated 8 years together and I dressed up accordingly. This is the dress I bought from a Lights Out fan in Los Angeles by the way. It will forever be called the Lights Out dress because of that.
Awww, don't we look cute?!
We went to a really lovely restaurant and had a nice dinner.
And then we went home to our families for christmas.
The snow arrived promptly before christmas dinner.
And everyone was happy with their christmas gifts.
It was very cold on christmas day. David and I went for a walk.
To the lake Munksjön in the centre of Jönköping. The moon hung prettily in the sky.
Oh, Astor, you silly bundle of fluff!
Back in Gothenburg again we got a visit from my sister and her kids. David and my niece Hilda made this drawing together. Well, Hilda told David what to draw.
I got the itch to clean (happens once in a blue moon) and sorted though all my jewelry and knick knacks sitting on the bathroom floor, drinking coffee and listening to podcasts.
It was super foggy in Gothenburg around new years. Our neighbourhood looked a little bit like Hogwarts.
A few hours later when the snow had turned into grey mush Gothenburg looked miserable again.
One weekend our friends (and wedding witnesses) Aili and Jonas came to visit us. It had been so long since we last saw eachother and we had a couple of great days together. Visited the enormous antique store Antikladan. Aili and Jonas found a great lamp for their new place. David and I were broke though so we only looked. That place is huge so it's an adventure in itself just to find the way through it without getting lost.
And it was sun that day! Wonderful!
And I found a girlfriend!
This coat had been missing a button for a long time and then the other day I found it! When I sewed it on I noticed that the coat had an extra button sewn into the lining so I hadn't really needed to search high and low for the missing one. Well, well.
Happy to be able to wear this lovely coat again!
Last week I was a month early to a meeting. Silly me.
It was early in the morning and David and I had decided to eat breakfast at a café after my (non existing) meeting. On our way there the largest snowflakes I've ever seen started to fall from the sky. Some of them landed on David's eyebrows and eyelashes.
A view from our balcony the day the storm flew in. It was quite scary actually. It's hard to sleep when the windows are rattling and the entire walls are trembling. They closed off the street below ours because a roof had flown off a bulding. Storms are scary.
Just a self portrait in the Lights Out hallway to capture the outfit I wore that day.
It was one of those days when you don't really think things through, but it turns out alright anyways.
The white cardigan is an old thrift find that I keep in a plastic bag in my wardrobe because it's so fuzzy and fluffy. The skirt is my velvet skirt that I use almost every day.
Fluffiness and velvet is not really a good match, but it worked out fine because as it happens there's not much fluff left in the cardigan anymore.
Yesterday I had a little conversation with myself.
Oh, and I made a thing. Go follow me there if you aren't already!

I'm off to bake banana bread now because a friend is coming over for tea later!
Talk to you soon.

Back to blogging and it feels so gooooood!
Hiiii! How have you been?
I have been busy busy busy and realised a few days ago that I haven't blogged about when David and I went to Los Angeles in november! Oh no!
When I looked through all my iPhone photos (I only used my Nikon D7000 for two days, I'll show you those photos some other day) I found at least 100 photos that I wanted to blog. Well, that's a little bit too much, so I made up a little list for myself with everything I wanted to include in a post from our trip.
Here it is:
I searched instagram and yelp for the best breakfast places both before we went and after we arrived in LA, and since the breakfast at our hotel wasn't very good and also not included we went to a lot of breakfast places during our two week trip. One of those restaurants I found was bld. We sat outside in the sun and I ordered the eggs benedict because that had looked really nice on the photos I found on internet taken by customers.
It was so very tasty!
I had a lot of time for myself during the days because David had meetings with Hollywood people, so just like with the breakfast places I had looked up interesting spots that I wanted to go to. One of those was The Last Bookstore where I could have easily spent an entire day if needed. It was just so amazing!
Fantastical, creative and filled with books, of course! I found myself in front of the Stage/Film/Scriptwriting shelves and was very impressed with myself when I left with only two new books.
One day I was walking along Melrose Avenue checking out the vintage shops there. I had just tried on a fabulous 50's pencil dress that looked absolutely fantastic on me if it wasn't for the fact that it was a tad too small. When I walked past a store that made new clothes in 50's style I went in there in the hope of finding something similar.
The girl in the store was super helpful and nice and we talked a lot while she helped me find the perfect dress. When I was going to pay for the dress she asked "So, why are you in LA? Work or play?". I told her that my husband and I made a short horror film that went viral and now we're in LA because of the attention the short has gotten in Hollywood.
Oh? What's the name of the horror short?
When I said Lights Out her eyes almost popped out of her skull.
OMG! OMG! OMG! I LOVE Lights Out! OMG OMG ITS YOU! OMG it's been everywhere, on Imgur on reddit- EVERYWHERE!- OMG you could have said "Brad Pitt is outside" and I would have been like- "Meh"- but this- THIS is something I care about and OMG you were so good in it! OMG OMG! She had apparently seen Lights Out a lot of times and talked about the best parts and I was so shocked I just giggled.
Her colleague walked in from a room behind and was wondering what the hell was going on. Ha! It was absolutely wonderful.
Right when I left she called after me Come back soon so we can talk more! and then I heard her tell her colleague about how she needed to see Lights Out because it was AWESOME!
Best moment ever.

This velvet dress that seems to be made after my body, the mint belt, a red sweater and a pair of shoes was all found in a thrift store that I happened upon while looking for a coffee shop and I bought it all for almost no money at all.
Apparently people don't walk in LA. Well, I'm not like most people. I walk everywhere.
One day I walked from downtown LA through poor neighbourhoods, through Korea town and all the way to Los Feliz. It took maybe three hours. When I told people about this afterwards they just gaped at me like goldfish before exploding in a You did WHAT? Everybody told me that I have probably seen more of LA than they have. Even the ones that had lived in LA for forever.
No big deal. Haha!
My heel says otherwise though. I'll spare you the photo of the ginormous blister I got...
I ended up outside this 7Eleven for an hour waiting for David to come pick me up during rush hour. I sat on that concrete divider thingy eating fresh fruit and watching the sun set.
A woman parked her car nex to me and when she came back with a cup of coffee she sat in her car with the door open and enjoyed the sunset with me for a while. It's nice, isn't it? she said.
I agreed.
Great weather; not too hot, not too cold.
-Just perfect I said.
She smiled towards me and said It was very nice to meet you before she drove off.
Sometimes it's the small things in life.

The Bold Ramen at Tatsu. Might not look very tasty but oh, it was!
Taken with self timer on our hotel balcony. My absolute favourite vintage dress got to come with me to LA. The "Flowerbed dress", as I call it. Perfectly matched with mint cardigan and tights and I was a colour explosion ready for the day.
The two tiny clouds over Santa Monica fighting an impossible battle.
On the weekend we went to friends who live close to Santa Cruz. On our way there we had to stop because David had a conference call. We found a little road where we could park and I walked off with my camera and my iPhone to check out the surroundings. I found an abandoned trailer and took a gazillion self portraits. Here's a few of them.
The trip to Santa Cruz was great and our friends live at an absolutely amazing place in the Santa Cruz mountains. The sun sifted through the fog and redwood trees. It was magical! I brought my camera with me on this trip so I have a post planned with all those photos.
One thing I felt very acutely during this trip was how USA has a long way to go in regards of gender equality. I have never been treated more like a child in my life. It was quite awful actually.
Every day I got called Mrs Sandberg even though my name is Lotta Losten and nothing else. In Sweden that doesn't happen. Never has anybody taken for granted that my name is anything before asking me. I may be married to David but I am not his property. It's really weird to realise that what I am used to back home, what I think is absolutely obvious and doesn't need explanations is apparently extremely new and controversal in a country that looks at itself as the Best Country in the World.
It's not very hard to see women as people. To see them as individual human beings and not jus a Mrs to a Man with a full name. Well, apparently it's not that easy for some people.
It makes me furious.
My name is Lotta Losten. I don't answer to anything else.

From our hotel balcony one evening when the moon looked just perfect.
I got the worst cold of my life the last week in LA. I was completely out of it for a couple of days. Here I have gathered enough strength for a self portrait showing just how bored I was.
I was standing in the Starbucks line waiting for my order. In front of me in the queue was a woman in the most beautiful Niqab I've ever seen, it was black with golden embroidery on. Her eyes are the only part of her face showing and they are gorgeous.
When she has her coffee and is about to pass me she sees me, put her hand on my arm and says You are absolutely beautiful. I can see in her eyes that she's smiling warmly and then she sweeps her hand up and down in the air infront of me, all the way from my blue and neon green tights covered legs to my Sgt Pepper Jacket to my long hair and repeats Just beautiful before she leaves the coffee place with the niqab flowing behind her.
I was left standing there smiling with heated red cheeks when the barista called out A Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte for Lottie!.

The Commissary at The Line Hotel. A restaurant situated in a beautiful greenhouse on top of a building in Korea Town with wonderfully weird menus and really good food.

As I mentioned really quickly earlier in this post we went to LA because of Lights Out. David has managers and agents there and they are working on making Lights Out into a feature film. It's exciting times, dear friends and readers! I hope to be able to tell you more in the not too distant future.
Bring on 2015, I say!

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas holiday if you celebrate that.
I had a couple of great days with my family, and after a few really hectic months I'm now ready for a new year with my head filled with lots of new ideas.
Talk to you soon again!

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